2003-05-02 - 7:59 p.m.
"Wednesday's Child Is Full of Woe, Thursday's Child Is Dressed Up With Nowhere To Go..."
I am writing here purely because I need to write here. It has been so long that I nearly forgot the name of this blog. So don't expect anything beautiful or witty or apt; I am not in the mood for any of that.
This waiting, this haunting image of a gray graduation, is getting me down in more ways than I am willing to admit. And I don't want to turn to any of you with this, not this time, but I know it is unavoidable: you're going to find out at some point. Again I don't, or won't, believe what I am seeing: they are playing a game with me, and they may not be showing. It was the one event I thought my dad would come to, and now he will never come because there is nothing left to see.
The saddest part of all is that Saturday will most likely be sunny, and I want it to be for the sake of everyone else. But it's going to be gray for me. If I didn't have several reasons for staying, I would leave before you knew I had left.
The only reason I do not feel guilty for running to the woods is that I am running to face myself. I already know that; I know that I am not ready to confront the upcoming challenges until I confront myself. But if I can believe God has set this up for me to begin three jobs, that five years ago I wrote down that I wanted to do before I died, within three months, then I can also believe He has things in store for me during this trip. He knows the desires of my heart and head; He knows what I need to survive the welcome stress and exhaustion, so different from college; and He will deliver.
Anyway, I pushed myself out of my shell tonight and experienced exactly what terrifies me of these senior functions: I hardly have anyone to talk to. It's so funny that yesterday I lamented that I talk too much, and then today I see that I talk too little.
Between the lines, however, I am doing OK.
