2003-04-17 - 9:59 a.m.
I think I get it now. The bible says not to worry or be anxious. So I was confused when the priest told me to remember Jesus in the Garden sweating blood for anxiety. I could not believe, number one, that someone had just encouraged me to be anxious; and two, I knew that I had read the very opposite.
The priest must have know I would understand sooner or later that the difference between the anxiety we are told not to have, and Jesus' sweating blood, is that Jesus hoped. He knew with absolute certainty how the story ends.
I see now, that over the past few months, while praying for a quiet heart, yet losing it somedays, something has changed. I know now that God will work out the kinks of the day that I abesentmindedly stuck in it. Does this let me sleep soundly at night, or wake with a smile? Not always. I still wake up every couple hours to remind myself everything is taken care of, and wake anxious to discover what will happen to resolve my situation. There is a hope that I never had before.
I understand too what --- meant when she would say, "I don't know how you people get through life without Him." In other words, without that deep sea of peace to dip our toes into. But I remember how I got through life; and I am glad that I know what an awful way it is to live that life.
