2003-04-09 - 3:49 a.m.
Is there such a thing as temporary joy? Is that not happiness? Can you be sad and Joyful? I think so; I think that I am the most sad when I taste Joy.
As a child I believe we experience a taste of Joy, just enough to wonder what it is we feel, just long enough to want it again.
As I drove away, crying inside for the prospects before me. It is as though God will not let me doubt, or at least is making a point of showing how foolish it is for me to do so. I love that He is not merely answering long-held dreams, but making an example of my life so that I could honestly say to you, “Look! Look what happens. Can you not believe? Can you not hope yourself?” I had the most unheard of dreams six months ago, with no prospects and too many choices before me. I did not believe God would want a tearoom, but it was what I offered and He accepted that.
Tonight I was offered a consulting job for something I know very little about; I know nothing really, but have some idea what I need to know and where to get that knowledge. Now someone is willing to pay for all the training and travelling expences for another goal, one that was on my list of things to do before I die.
I thought about our conversation of hope and dread, and how I wished I could bottle my hope and give it to you. You are not the only one, but to you I would give this because I believe in the things that you have to give. Do I have this much hope by nature due to the plans for my life? Do I really have hope to spare? Or do I have just enough to sustain me through the realties of the fulfillment or my dreams? I do not know; but I do know that I can not understand people like you who live without.
--- and I were talking about this – more about my frusteration, nearly irritation with those who are wildly applying for jobs not because the job market is rough, but because they do not have direction in their life. It is not quite irritation because I was briefly in their shoes. Perhaps their attitude, not their actions, appalls me. They talk like they trust, faithfully, but… there is something I dislike about it still. Why do I even care?
Anyway she explained that it is frusterating for people like us because we are ambitious. And that is that.
Tonight I tried to explain that I had decided against a career in law because I refused to live that lifestyle. The more I read what to expect the more I recognized how incompatible that career was with my desire for a family. But another young woman at the table explained that restaurant managers have long, zany hours too. Gosh, how naïve I was to explain my decision that way.
The reason I am becoming peaceful, even glad that I am single, is that I am finally too busy and too all over the map to have time for anyone. The last thing I want is that kind of distraction from a life I want to enjoy, every minute of. So I can wake up and marvel at the season of my birthday. That I can love the kiss of the wind.
And then last night I told her I wanted to fall in love again. She said I did not. But I meant that I wanted to love again, to cry in the middle of the day for the sheer pain, to transform the way love transforms one; yet this shows I am misdirected again. I am supposed to show my love for Him.
Last night I was really quite stupid. I would – believe it or not – do it again. The next few weeks are the last few weeks I can be a child like that. Immediately post graduation, my jobs require I act mature beyond my age. Well, I asked for challenges and I got ‘em.
