2003-04-09 - 3:41 a.m.
A part of my interest, I think, in reading autobiographies, and biographies to a lesser extent, is to see my own observations reflected in the written gems of that great author. C. S. Lewis said for me, many years ago, what became an important realization about a year ago. I remember when this aggravated me for my inability to achieve the desire state of mind at once. I was sitting on the shag carpet of my dorm room, vaguely aware of Smog, the puppet-dragon, overhead, and looking at the morning light coming in through my window. I was probably, also, considering traipsing down the hall to laugh with Theresa and distract me from any hazardous thinking. And I wanted some breakfast.
Apparently the distinction soon to be quoted has been, as usual, a topic thoroughly discussed ages before my conception. It is simply that one can not be a thing at the same time aspiring for it. An analysis can be found in Alexander’s Space Time and Deity, a book I am sure I will never read. But I did read, and will now quote Lewis’ response to it:
I accepted this distinction at once and have since regarded it as an indispensable tool of thought. A moment later its consequences – for me quite catastrophic – began to appear… In other words the enjoyment and the contemplation of our inner activities are incompatible. You cannot hope and also think about hoping at the same moment; for in hope we look to hope’s object and we interrupt this by (so to speak) turning round to look at the hope itself… The surest means of disarming an anger or a lust was to turn your attention from the girl or insult and start examining the passion itself. The surest way of spoiling a pleasure was to start examining your satisfaction.
In the meantime CNN is playing graphic sounds of earlier bombings. Instead of irritating me for the dramaticization of news and idly wondering how thrilling the news will be in twenty-five years, I remember watching the movie White Oleander last night. Since it was one of those best-selling, heart-appealing novels the girls from the apartment read this summer, I never intended to read nor watch the story. But it was surprisingly well done, and sad. The sound in the beginning was marvelous, although it does not last throughout the movie; I remember the sound and the blues. You might like it.
There is a couple sitting a couple booths away whose interactions if they get worse will remove me from here. He keeps threatening to hurt her and she is such a small thing. I hate watching this.
